Friday, October 29, 2010

Hey Fatties, Here's How to Lose Weight!

Now fat people everywhere hate me because I wrote that "fat is ugly." Well, it is, but it's easy enough to get rid of; here's how I did it.

Jenny Craig loves you being fat, her entire company and billions of dollars in revenue depends on you failing and coming back for more of that frozen stuff that was real food months ago, somewhere far, far away from where you are now consuming it. Weight Watchers loves you being fat, their entire organization rests on you failing and coming back for more of their packaged snack bars and frozen treats and food scales and food diaries and recipe books and calorie calculators. In fact, all the dieting programs and diet books love you being fat: Stick to their diets and you will remain fat, eating up not just bad foods but all their money-making schemes!

There is only one way to lose weight and the word "diet" is not involved. It’s up to you and you alone, you can start immediately, and it’s free! Instructions follow.

First and most important, and basically all you need: You have to hate being fat more than you like eating fattening foods. In fact, you have to start seeing fattening foods as bad for you, which they are, and if you love yourself, which you should--and if you don’t why should anyone else?--you will not want to eat things that are bad for you. Simple.

It all starts at the supermarket. Do not buy the stuff that is bad for you! If it’s not in your house, you can’t eat it.

LOOK AT YOURSELF NAKED. (I dare you.) If you like what you see, forget losing weight. If you hate what you see, DON'T EAT SOMETHING, DO SOMETHING. Showers work for me, or a walk, or drinking a huge glass of water, or calling a friend, or doing your nails, or stripping the wallpaper. Anything but eating is fine, unless you have stocked the fridge with good stuff like fruit, veggies, tuna, club soda, iced tea. If you have, then go for it.

WEIGH YOURSELF EVERY MORNING. As the number goes down, you will become more attached to the New You than the Old You. Really.

EAT HEALTHY FOODS. No need to weigh and measure, just eat well, and you know what that means, you don't need anyone to tell you. If you must have a cookie (or a chip or some ice cream or cake or whatever), go ahead and eat it but understand that you are giving away POWER over your ONE and ONLY LIFE to something baked in a factory, and not by adorable Keebler Elves but by Serious Businessmen who have hired Evil Scientists to figure out how to hook your taste buds to their products.

End of story.